#FacetheFoliage by Justina Blakeney. 

I am in love with this woman, Justina Blakeney, her jungalow, and her gorgeous art made of leaves and flowers.

Survivorship vs. Survivorshit

The shortlist of ailments, doctors, meds, and questions, lots without answers.

Survivorship is a weird word, like, if you die from cancer, which people do, lots of people (585,720 in 2014 alone, according to the American Cancer Society), then you're not a survivor, which feels kind of offensive to say about someone who maybe survived for a long time with cancer and died from cancer, and then it has this connotation that they were never a survivor at all. It's to describe those who've beat it, to honor those living with it, and that is commendable, cause let me tell ya, it ain't easy. There are lots of books, lots of "things" that celebrate cancer's aftermath: the amazing shifts in life that occur as a result of not dying from cancer, surviving it. That is so very true, I get that.

I feel blessed, and I also feel bad, guilty complaining about virtually anything after having cancer. Like, I'm alive, so be fucking grateful, end of story. I thank God every day for my body, for His healing, for doctors and nurses and science and medicine, for saving me, for saving my family, for waking up in the morning and realizing, once again over and over, that I am here. 

Most days, I have conversations with God. But, there is another conversation that isn't being had all that much. More so lately, and that's a wonderful thing because it means more people than ever before are surviving with cancer. But, there are consequences to that, and no one, not survivors and not doctors are sure exactly what to do with us. So there are studies, new research trials, scientific meetings, and voices rising up about this very thing, because survivors are saying help us know what to do next and doctors are saying we don't really know what to do next, "just enjoy life," they say. 

It can be hard to enjoy life the way we want to enjoy life when we know all too well that it can be taken away in an instant, and when you're racked with anxiety about recurrence, or numb fingers, weird electrical zapping in your feet at random times, a weak hand grip that makes it impossible to screw off the top of a baby bottle or to open a bottle of medicine or a bag of cheese, stabbing pains below radiated skin that come out of nowhere, a tender-to-the-touch bruise that never goes away, and if God can't take away my fear, then who can? When will it end? Will it ever end? This is the next chapter.

The Sweet and Lowdown

This is tricky. I've been grappling with this. Writing again about this, putting my junk out there. But it's always the same reason that brings me back. I want people to know I'm alive, for one thing, that I'm struggling, for another, and also that it gets better, for everyone. Cancer, no cancer, just life.

You can come out of that dark place, and maybe you didn't know it was so dark until you walked into the light. But these are not your best days, I promise. Mostly though, we ALL can be a resource of some kind. This is what I prayed for: God, give me something real to pull to me up. Give me hope, real hope from real people that you've laid in my path with intention. Where are they? I need them. God, please bring them here, to me, to my heart. And they came, and now I think it's my turn, to give something good from all the good given to me.

So here's the lowdown. In March, I'll be four years cancer free, officially. That was when my post-chemo first surgery went down with good news on the other side. No more cancer in my body. And then, what comes next?

This is where the conversation begins, again. Till then, Hallelujah, Amen, and Chase the Sun with this little ditty.

God Works in Mysterious Ways

On my teabag this morning. Need I say more?

Time After Time

When I wrote last, I was all empowered and stuff about what I was going to do with my time, organizing it, using it wisely. And then I realized that I might be obsessed with it. So, I had an about-face from what I wrote just a few weeks ago; how quickly time changes things.

Most days, I am giddy, my stomach bursting with excitement, that I am a strange miracle among many, and know that life is good. Some days – a few more lately, I have to admit – a quiet, heavy sadness settles over the day. I am afraid. How does my belief system pony-up to this new set of rules, the ones that say everything is uncertain? But, even when I thought things were certain, they never were, never are for anyone. Oh how I miss that facade: There's no uncertainty in that. And then I realize, too: I am alive.

My sister gave me this gorgeous pie plate, from Anthro. The numbers are a mystery. They remind me of time.

It's okay to be figuring things out all over again. After all, I've just been through a shit-storm, and maybe I should be paying less attention to time, not more. Maybe I even should do things I don't feel like doing, because I don't always feel like doing things that are good for me, like getting out of the house, seeing people, engaging, connecting, doing.  The only thing that I really need to know about time is that mine is not running out, and the rest, is up to God.

Time Is Precious; Waste It Wisely

Time. Where is it? Where does it go? And, how can I get more? It's my excuse for everything: I don't have enough time. If only I didn't have to do this, or that. But, it's time to stop complaining and time to remind myself that there is plenty of it. I think I got a check-mark among pluses on my elementary school report card for "uses time wisely," and I wasn't very happy about it. But, there's always time to change.

Here's what I'm going to do, for starters:
1. Make a schedule. For real. I'm only going to do things that matter, and plan for the things that do. (I'll have to pencil in an hour or two for some bad TV, but no more late-night marathons of Kim and Kourtney Take New York!
2. Stop doing things that don’t make me happy or make things happen.
3. Cancel a commitment, or two, and not feel guilty about it – no more feeling bad about not doing things that I don't really want to do. I only need to show up for things that matter.
4. Say no when I feel like it.
5. Let things be – messy! Schedule a certain amount of time for chores. After that, whatever isn't finished will have to wait!

Speaking of time, isn't it springtime yet? I need this shirt, from J. Crew, for spring. Dang, I love a pretty oxford.

“How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.” ~Annie Dillard

Reality Shows Are Cool

Oh man, I can't believe it's been almost two months since I last wrote. I've been laying low, recovering, relaxing. My surgery was rescheduled and happened on Dec. 12. It was a walk in the park compared to the first time around, and now I have brand new squishy boobs, which are slightly lopsided but awesome nonetheless.

So, I have a confession. I was watching this show, "Sweet Home Alabama," it's like "The Bachelor," but for a southern dude and southern gals, with a few city slickers thrown in. Who knew this guy would say something I love: "You have to be all in. It's when you let your guard down that you see the miracles of life." So cool, and so true. That boy will make some gal a lucky lady knowing that. Wish I'd known that a long time ago. But, I do now, and that's all that matters.

Now, it's a brand new year, and I think this one will be even more exceptional than the last, with more miracles, blessings, health, and green juice. Jon was even excited about the juice part for about a day, until he tried it. But, trust me, he was being dramatic – that's what happens when your palate is used to stuff like Doritoes, Mike & Ike's and cheeseburgers. I find it refreshing and delicious, no joke. It makes me feel like I'm at a spa, and it's sweeter than I expected, too. Never been so excited to be "all in" to life.

Make Juice Not War (Kris Karr/Crazy Sexy Diet) 
5 stalks kale
5 stalks romaine
4 stalks celery
2 large cucumbers (peeled if they're not organic)
2 big broccoli stems
2 pears or apples
1 inch piece of gingerroot